


i know that you're mine

by breakeven



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Christmas Vacation, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Wedding Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 09:36:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20655062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakeven/pseuds/breakeven
Summary: Sitting across from Steve, watching him dig into the steak he predictably ordered, looking so handsome and lovely in his suit, Tony thinks that he should probably buy a ring. He knows that he should buy a ring. There’s no one on earth he wants to play footsie with more. Tony never knew he could have someone the way he has Steve; in him Tony has a partner in crime, a confidant, a lover, the whole world





	i know that you're mine

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to "mine" by the 1975 and I was like "this is a very Tony Stark song". can't believe i kept it this short. here's some background:
> 
> College AU where Tony goes to MIT and Steve goes to Brown and they’re in love. Tony is 21 at the start and Steve is 19, however they began dating a year before. This is their relationship over the years until they get married. The first part is Steve’s sophomore year of undergrad and Tony’s second year of grad and it goes from there. Also, I just love thinking of lil Ivy League Steve and Brown is for the liberals, so I figured he'd love it there.

Considering the amount of godforsaken love songs Tony has had to skip over the course of this drive, he is fairly certain that the majority of adults on earth are familiar with the sensation. It is, apparently, a very common affliction. He is not the only person to have ever been shaken to their core by its mere suggestion. It just feels that way.

This could be attributed to a number of causes. One, Tony has only ever had two friends at once during at time in his life up until now. He isn’t familiar with the trappings of traditional young adult life, and he has precious little experience giving or receiving naïve love advice from his peers. His friends, like him, are workaholics and dedicated academics and often don’t have time for dating. Of these few and far between friends, Tony has thought he was in love with three of them and had his heart terribly broken by 2 and a half of them. Two: Tony’s parents weren’t even in love. Most kids’ first example of a loving relationship is their parents, right? Watching the people that made them hug and kiss and tell each other inside jokes while they cook dinner. Not Tony. Mom and Howard barely spoke to one another in Tony’s presence, leading him to believe they spoke even less when he wasn’t around. They probably liked each other alright, were comfortable enough to settle into easy routines and know how to defuse arguments, but they definitely weren’t in love. Tony is, unfortunately, wholly unfamiliar with what love looks like or what you’re supposed to do with it. There isn’t enough information at his disposal.

Tony is only considering these things because he’s got a lot of free time on his hands. The drive from MIT to Brown isn’t usually a long one, probably only an hour, but he got a late start and now Tony has been intermittently sitting in traffic for 96 minutes. The radio is always playing silly love ballads and Tony has effectively been drawn down into the rabbit hole of his brain’s thoughts on the subject matter. It’s all Pepper’s fault really. If she hadn’t been teasing him before he left he wouldn’t be doing this to himself.

“It’s adorable,” she had cooed as she watched him pack his things. Midterms were finally over for him (though Harvard students like herself still had another week of testing) and Tony was burnt out. He wanted a break before he had to return and start working on his dissertation. School had never been difficult for Tony but he was a perfectionist and wouldn’t accept anything less than stellar marks for himself. The past few weeks had been an indescribable hell filled with massive study sessions and enough caffeine to raise a dead person.

“It’s very normal, actually. I’ve got some time off, I’m visiting people,” he’d shrugged, because it was true. Lots of his classmates were leaving campus now that they were done testing; going to see friends and family and the like. Tony didn’t see why his doing it was something noteworthy. He kept puttering around his apartment to avoid looking Pepper in the face.

“It _is_ very normal. So juvenile. Young love is so beautiful,” Pepper giggled. Tony could feel his face heating up and astutely ignored her. It was always slightly embarrassing for his friends to acknowledge his small age, even if they claimed they were supportive of him engaging in age appropriate behavior.

“Shut _up_,” he whined, throwing another shirt into his bag. He’d only be in Providence for like a week but he had at least two weeks’ worth of clothes packed. If he stopped packing Pepper was gonna keep talking to him. At least this way he could kind of ignore her until she caught a hint.

“Why Tony? It’s not a bad thing! I’m not insulting you by saying it’s adorable that you’re literally _sprinting _off campus to see you boo that goes to another school. I’m simply stating that I think it’s cute. It fills my stomach with sympathetic butterflies,” she sighed wistfully. Tony peeked up at her and found her staring off exaggeratedly, like she was reminiscing.

He’d pouted, “But _why_? I don’t wanna—it’s so weird when you bring it up. It makes me feel…weird.”

“Oh my gosh, it’s just too sweet for words. You’re all flustered.”

“Well of course I’m flustered! You’re sitting in _my_ room making fun of me!”

“I’m not making fun of you.”

“You most certainly are.”

“You big fucking baby, I am not. If you don’t want talk about how in l—if you can’t help but _blush_ and _smile_ and _make heart eyes at the wall_ when you think about your Steve then I’m not gonna judge you. It’s not a bad thing or a funny thing,” she assured him, “It’s just sweet, is all. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried,” he retorted petulantly. And then he finished packing and they grabbed some drive thru before he dropped Pepper at her building and he started driving towards Providence.

Now he’s being tortured by satellite radio and wondering if he really does blush and giggle and just generally act a fool whenever he thinks about Steve. It’s probably true. Pepper wouldn’t lie. She probably just genuinely thinks they’re a nice couple; plenty of people have said as much. He and Steve go well together and they’re very much in love and no one thinks that’s something to make fun of, right. It’s not embarrassing to be in love with your boyfriend or for people to be able to see it on your face.

And Tony knows people can see it on his face. He and Steve have been together for a little over a year now, but even in the beginning everyone close to them could tell that they were head over heels. Pepper and Rhodey had been more than shocked to find Tony pining over a straight laced blonde boy scout he met at a party, but when they saw the two of them together it made sense. All they had to do was watch how Steve and Tony moved around each other, how Steve’s hand always rested comfortably on the back of Tony’s neck, how Tony made himself small and soft and kind for Steve. His jabs and jokes were never sharp or cruel, he looked up at Steve instead of down his nose like a snotty brat, he shoved his toes under Steve’s warm thighs when they sat on the couch together. Tony loves Steve like he’s never loved anyone else.

Tony thinks, absently, that he could marry Steve. Howard would have a fucking cow and Maria would probably spend a week praying and the media would shit a brick, but Tony could do it. He wants to do it, he finds himself musing as he drives. He turns his blinker on and switches lanes and imagines how he’d feel looking at his hands on the steering wheel and seeing a gold wedding band on one finger. It would feel even better looking over at Steve and seeing one that matched on his finger.

Maybe that’s what makes Tony so—this is why Tony gets all shy about it. Being with Steve isn’t anything to be ashamed of, and he’s made enough terrible mistakes in his short life to have done things that are really and truly disgraceful, but the way he wants more is so…stupid. He knows that 50% of marriages end in divorce, and he knows that he (still) drinks too much, and he knows that Steve is only _nineteen_. There’s no way he’s ready to sign his life over to anyone, let alone someone like Tony. It’s not even a comment on his character, really. It’s just that, of course, most 19 year old kids aren’t ready to get married and they definitely aren’t ready to get married to someone who’d been abusing pharmaceuticals three years ago and still carrying around pounds and pounds of childhood trauma. That’s fine. It’s okay. Tony can wait.

He just _wants_ it. He’s never wanted anything the way he wants Steve.

When he gets to Providence Tony makes reservations at a small French place and picks up some flowers. Steve doesn’t really like big gestures (reckless spending stresses him out) so Tony can’t have Akihiro fly in from Los Angeles to make them sushi or have $3000 worth of roses delivered to his dorm, and that’s fine. Spending money is the only way Tony really knows how to express how much his boyfriend really means to him, but he’s getting better at the little things. In fact, if Tony says so himself, he’s better at the little things than he ever could have imagined.

He has to be buzzed into Steve’s building by a girl at a front desk, but he’s around often enough that she just smiles and lets him up without question. Tony never lived on campus, not even when he was a minor in undergrad, so he isn’t really familiar with the procedures but he’s pretty sure Steve is supposed to come down and sign him into the building. He doesn’t think about the fact that he’s at Brown so much that security doesn’t even feel the need to do it. Tony just attributes it to them knowing who he is.

Sam and Steve never lock their door and he confirmed with Sam that he’d be out anyway, so Tony just walks into the room. He slowly creaks the door open to find Steve splayed out, asleep on their black futon, his laptop balanced on his stomach and still playing the show he must have been watching. Steve is young but he looks it in his sleep, his face slack and strong jaw relaxed. Tony is stupidly endeared and stands in the doorframe watching his boyfriend drift peacefully for a moment.

And then, Tony remembers who he is and goes, “Surprise, beloved,” and Steve jumps about a foot in the air.

“Oh my goodness!” Steve gasps, hopping up. He deposits his laptop on the couch and jumps to wrap Tony in a hug. He smells freshly showered, his skin still warm and pink with it. Tony buries his face in Steve’s neck and allows himself a few precious moments of simply taking him in before focusing.

“Hey there, soldier,” he chuckles, rubbing his hand over Steve’s back. He’s like a giant puppy. Even with his bulky muscles and sometimes severe eyebrows, Steve is really just the cutest thing. Tony wants to bop his perfect nose. It’s humiliating.

“_Tony_,” Steve sighs happily, “You’re here.”

“Yes.”

“You finished testing,” Steve pulls away to check the time, “like three hours ago.”

“Yeah.”

“You came straight here?”

“Of course,” Tony shrugs, cause it’s nothing, “I wanted to see you.”

They pull apart for real, but Steve stays close. It’s been like two weeks since they last saw each other. Even though their schools are only an hour apart, they don’t get to see each other as often as they’d like. Steve doesn’t have a car (he barely has a license), for one thing, and he has class, work, and crew practice for another. He’s a busy man and so is Tony. But that doesn’t matter because now they have a week to themselves. Steve puts the flowers in a mug full of water on his desk, gets changed into nicer clothes (though Tony does love him in comfy sweats and his tight athletic t-shirt) and they head out. The place Tony made reservations at is one they’ve never been to and while Steve may complain about the bill, he gets a perverse satisfaction at consuming as many fancy steaks as possible and Tony is happy to indulge.

“I can’t believe you came right away,” Steve smiles at him in the car, “If you’d wanted to get some sleep and come in the morning I would’ve been fine.”

“I missed you too much,” Tony admits with a dopey grin of his own. They hold hands for the entirety of the 15 minute drive. Steve lets Tony open the door for him when they arrive, the back of his neck going a sweet pink.

Sitting across from Steve, watching him dig into the steak he predictably ordered, looking so handsome and lovely in his suit, Tony thinks that he should probably buy a ring. He knows that he should buy a ring. There’s no one on earth he wants to play footsie with more. Tony never knew he could have someone the way he has Steve; in him Tony has a partner in crime, a confidant, a lover, the whole world.

*

“Please don’t be rash about this,” Tony says over Facetime a little over a year later. He doesn’t Facetime anyone but Steve, who pretty much despises texting and will call to say things as simple as good morning. It’s both endearing and inconvenient.

“I’m not being rash,” Steve says, exasperated. Tony isn’t so sure about that. He would go as far as saying that he disagrees, actually. Because Steve is being rash. He’s being ridiculous, in fact. The opportunity to study abroad for free is not something he should even consider passing up on, even if it means he’ll be time zones away from Tony for almost an entire year. Steve wants to see the world, and he won’t let Tony bankroll his travels, so this is obviously the next best thing. If Steve dropped out in the next second and expected Tony to support him for the rest of his life Tony wouldn’t have a problem with it at all. He just wants to see his boyfriend happy, and he knows that a school year spent in Paris would make him terribly happy. Steve had been practically salivating when he got the offer in the mail. Tony would not let him pass it up just to spare his very grown feelings. 

“You are though. You might not get an opportunity like this again, Steve. And I know you want to go.”

“I _do_ want to go. I don’t know if I—what if I’m not ready?” Steve asks quietly, insecurely. His voice has gone small, with no trace of the blustering sureness he’d displayed just a few minutes earlier.

Softly, Tony murmurs, “What do you mean?”

“It’s just—well I’ve never even left the country on vacation before. And my _mom_, and my_ friends_, and _you_ and just—I finally have a life, yknow, outside of studying in a hospital bed. I don’t want to…”

“Start all over?” Tony interrupts gently, sensing that Steve is working himself into a panic. It’s not an illogical fear, having to start your life over. Tony knows that Steve was not the most social, healthy kid for the majority of his childhood. His extensive amount of time spent in the hospital made for a great academic mind, as he had ample time to read and write and study, but it also meant that he pretty much had one friend his whole life until the later years of high school. When he and Bucky came to Brown together Steve had come out of his shell some, but only Tony, Sam, and Bucky knew just how difficult that had been for him. He’d been terribly uncomfortable socializing for the better half of his freshman year and crew is pretty much to blame for the unexpectedly large size of his social circle as it is. Tony wants nothing more than to protect the small, scared parts of Steve and shelter him from the whole world, but Tony also knows that if Steve doesn’t let himself out of his comfort zone and experience all the world has to offer he’ll regret it.

“Yeah,” his boyfriend sighs. Tony goes back into the chat so that he can see the way Steve’s eyebrows have pulled together and his mouth has gone all pinched and tight. His heart clenches at the sight.

“C’mon toots, it’s okay to be…a little worried. It’s okay to be scared, even. But I know you’re not the kind of person to let that get in your way,” he assures Steve. His words don’t appear to make any difference, but Steve also doesn’t burst into tears or a rage or clam up. He just nods solemnly, and Tony knows then what his decision will be.

Of course, just because Tony knows that Steve is going to go doesn’t mean Steve actually says it. And just because Tony is truly happy that Steve gets to go doesn’t mean he wants him to either. It would be incredibly, painfully selfish for him to ever say as much but Tony wants to keep Steve as close as possible at all times. The fact that they can’t sleep in the same bed every night and spend all of their free time together already drives him insane; not even having long weekends or random day trips is going to kill him. But he wants Steve to look back on his life and have no regrets, whether Tony is in his future or not. And Tony doesn’t want to be a regret himself. He wouldn’t ever be able to shake the guilt of knowing that Steve didn’t do what made him happiest just so that Tony could have someone around to cuddle him and stroke his ego. That would be…just not good.

They don’t really talk about it though. After their first few conversations about it—Steve telling him he applied for the program, Steve telling him he was accepted to the program, and Steve telling him he was afraid to accept his acceptance—they don’t ever talk about the situation in as many words for quite a while. Steve wouldn’t leave until the beginning of his senior year, so they still have about five months, but Pepper keeps telling him they should sit down and hash everything out so that they’re on the same page. Tony agrees in a logical sense, but the more emotional part of him would love to just ignore his impending doom for as long as possible.

He and Steve go about their normal routines and pretend like nothing’s going to change. Steve packs up his dorm for the very last time and rents a storage unit in Providence because he doesn’t want to burden his mom with all of his crap while he’s gone. Summer begins and they spend the first three weeks at the Stark property in Malibu. Steve burns for a few days before peeling and revealing a particularly mouthwatering tan. He’s dusted with freckles, his blonde hair is bleached by the sun, and he spends hours and hours floating in the pool or down by the shore drawing. It’s perfect and peaceful and Tony savors every moment of it because he knows Steve can’t be all his forever. The last week that they spend there Tony invites their friends, buying plane tickets and all, and then everyone is holed up in the house like a little family. Pepper, Rhodey, Sam, and Bucky all pick rooms in the mansion and while they’ve met before they’ve never had to spend this much time together. Sam and Bucky are engaged in a permanent cat fight from what Tony understands, but Bucky and Pepper get along very well, as do Sam and Rhodey. He’s pretty sure Pepper is ready to trade Tony for Bucky by the end of the week. Despite being thrown on the chopping block, Tony is very happy. He has more than two friends now, and they’re good ones. None of them want anything from him, but he’s willing to give all he’s got.

“This was great Tones,” Rhodey tells him as they longue on the back deck. The sun is setting and Sam and Bucky are splashing around in the pool. Steve is sleeping under a towel in the chair next to Tony, his hand reached out as if looking for his boyfriend even in slumber. Tony feels drowsy with contentment.

“I would have to agree with you there,” Tony nods, “I hope this was a satisfactory birthday present to Pep.”

“She’s definitely feeling pretty good about it,” Rhodey laughs and points down to the beach where Pepper is laid out, decidedly unbothered. Tony’s glad. He’s extremely happy, actually.

The 6 of them pack their stuff and go though, because each of them have family and other priorities to attend to. Sam is going to D.C. for a summer internship, Rhodey is going right along with him to basically be an errand boy for Pentagon big wigs, Pepper is clerking in Boston. Steve, Tony, and Bucky are going back home to New York. They part ways sunburnt and sentimental.

In New York Steve splits his time between Brooklyn and the mansion in Manhattan. He goes back to his same summer job every year, spends some of the day with Bucky and a few of their acquaintances in the neighborhood, and at night he comes out to Manhattan to be with Tony.

“This isn’t it, is it?” Steve asks him one night. They’re lying in the guest bedroom, tucked under the covers. Mom and Howard know Steve pretty well and are happy to see him each summer. The guest room in Tony’s wing of the house belongs to them, because nowadays if he’s sleeping at the mansion he’s certainly not sleeping in his childhood bed. It would feel kind of slimy to be doing anything remotely sexual in a bed that he only associates with being under the age of 10.

“What?”

“This summer? When I go—like when I’m abroad we aren’t gonna…” voice wavering, Steve trails off.

“Break up?” Tony whispers, shaken. He didn’t realize that Steve was unsure about this.

“Yeah.”

“I—not if I can help it.”

Steve squeezes Tony to his chest just a little tighter, “Okay. I—if you say so I believe you.”

“Good.”

“I can’t believe I’m going.”

“I can. Of course they accepted you. You’re brilliant.”

“I’m gonna miss you so much.”

“I’ll miss you more. I won’t be the one studying the art and philosophy of cigarette smoking in France. I’ll be doing the same old shit, except without you.”

“I have asthma.”

“That’s why you’ll be _studying_ cigarette smoking, not experimenting with it.”

“Ah, I see,” Steve laughs. He’s being quiet, his voice gone so low that Tony feels it more than he hears it. Steve is huge and warm behind him, his arms like a vice wrapped around Tony’s body. He feels like he’s in a love cocoon. He feels like Steve could squeeze him until his eyes popped out of his head and Tony would say thank you. Steve is just…too awesome.

“I don’t want to be without you,” Tony confesses. Steve kisses the back of his neck.

He promises, “You won’t be. Not for real.”

Tony buys a ring the next day while Steve is as work. He doesn’t know Steve’s ring size but he does his best guessing, and he tells the jeweler on 5th exactly how he wants the ring to look. It’s a huge thick one, 7mm and extremely solid looking. It’s made of [palladium](https://www.greenwichjewelers.com/jewelry/wedding-bands/all-wedding-bands/tap-7mm-oxidized-band.html) and oxidized sterling silver. Tony has the words _apprivoise-moi_ engraved on the inside. And it’s not the most expensive piece of jewelry he’s ever bought, not by a long shot, but it’s definitely worth more than anything else he has in this world.

The ring is purchased and it sits in a velvet lined box in his sock drawer at the mansion all summer. Tony wants to say something, he wants to tell Steve that his heart beats for him, that he’s the only thing Tony has ever needed in the world, that he’s indescribably precious to Tony, but he can’t make himself do it. Sometimes Tony gets dizzy with how much he loves Steve, but he can’t put that pressure on Steve’s shoulders. He’s not that much older than his boyfriend but their childhoods were exceptionally different. Tony has seen the burden of loving Stark men and he doesn’t want to trap Steve when he’s going off to face a brave new world. Pepper tells him he’s being a melodramatic martyr and while she may be pretty close to right, Tony cannot will himself to propose. He wants Steve to have a reminder of Tony’s dedication to him but it isn’t necessary. He can wait. He knows that Steve is his.

*

Tony runs out of excuses after graduation. He has his master’s from MIT, is already considering whether he’s going back for his doctorate’s, and Steve has graduated with his bachelor’s. Their ceremonies are a week apart and that means Tony gets to come to Brown and sit with Steve’s mom and Sam’s and Bucky’s families to cheer them on. When Steve walks across the stage his face is bright red, but he’s smiling so hard Tony thinks his face may crack in half. Sarah Rogers is a tiny little woman but she makes a bigger fuss than all three of Bucky’s sisters put together when her son finally has his moment. He can’t blame her; he’s whooping and screaming too. Proud doesn’t even begin to describe how he feels. When the ceremony is over Steve rushes over and picks them both up, swinging them excitedly in his arms.

“I fucking did it!” he hollers. Him and Bucky stand and yell in each other’s faces for a moment, like two twenty something year old boys, and then he’s grabbing Tony’s face in his hands and smacking a big wet kiss on his lips. “I fucking _did it_,” he preens, quieter this time. Tony is even happier than when Steve got home from France.

The Rogers and Barnes families (plus Tony) go out to lunch. Sam and his family part ways with them in the parking lot where he meets up with a scary, beautiful redhead and her scary, beautiful parents and drive off. When their party arrives at a nice restaurant downtown, Tony considers paying for everyone’s meal. He briefly wonders if that would be terribly ostentatious, then sees the Jimmy Choo’s on Bucky’s mom’s feet, and decides that he will cover the Rogers family and himself. Steve orders a steak and his mom gets lobster and they order a bottle for the table. Everyone is laughing and drinking (except for Bucky’s youngest sister Rebecca, who’s off to NYU in the fall) and Tony is so full of love he can hardly find room for food.

They all spend the day together. It’s bright and sunny out so the boys ditch their formal attire for shorts and t-shirts and they go to the park. Bucky and Steve are terrorized by the Barnes sisters for a large portion of the day, but the girls love Tony. They think he’s so cool. It’s incredibly flattering.

“Alright girls, Tony’s head is already too big for his body, let him alone,” Bucky gripes, but he’s laid out in the grass looking an awful lot like a cat that got the cream so there’s not any bite in his words. Steve is spread out next to him and Tony wants to lick the slice of skin exposed between his shorts and where his shirt has ridden up, but he knows that’s inappropriate. The day has been so perfect. He thinks about the box with the ring in it, sitting now in the sock drawer at his apartment back in Boston, and he’s about ten seconds away from jumping in his car and driving home to go get it. He can’t be away from Steve though. Being in his presence when he’s this happy is like standing next to the sun.

They go shopping too, and Sarah Rogers is a lot like her son in that she doesn’t expect anything from anyone, but Tony can’t help himself. The woman responsible for raising the person Tony is starting to consider the love of his life all on her own deserves some kind of gratitude. He goes ahead and buys her a dress that he caught her eyeing in a window and then he finds a purse that would go perfectly with it. Sarah’s just as stubborn as Steve too (it’s obvious where he gets it from), so Tony has both things mailed to their home address to ensure that she accepts the gifts. At night when she goes back to her hotel she gives both of them a hug and a kiss and the gesture warms Tony right down to his toes. Steve gives her his class ring and they both cry.

Tony’s own graduation is a less extravagant affair, but he doesn’t mind. His mom and Howard had come when he got his bachelor’s so he doesn’t feel slighted when they don’t make it for this one. Jarvis comes down though and he nearly cries. Steve comes too, of course, along with Pepper and Rhodey. They go out for lunch as well and there aren’t as many loud voices and boisterous laughter but it’s very nice. At the ripe old age of 24 Tony finally feels like he’s content with his life. There probably isn’t a better time to propose, right? When you feel secure in your relationship and you’re stable and everything is going swimmingly. That’s when you propose.

“I can’t,” he tells Pepper. She tsks on the other line but doesn’t comment, “I just can’t do it.”

“You already have a ring babe.”

“I’ve had it for two years. It was never the right time.”

“But you think now is?”

“Yes.”

“And you want to marry him?”

“Of course.”

“You think he wants to marry you?” she asks innocently enough, but it brings Tony pause. Steve has never talked about getting married, but then again neither has Tony. Steve’s own parents had been happily married before his father’s passing so it’s not as if he has a fear of the institution like Tony does. He’s just…never mentioned it. Steve tells Tony he loves him all the time though. While in France he’d sent Tony at least 20 drawings of himself, all lovingly crafted and drawn from an artist’s memory, like Tony was his muse or something. Steve left mushy voicemails all the time too, telling Tony how much he missed him and wished he were there to hug and kiss (and fuck). Tony knew that Steve loved him, there was no doubt about that. He wasn’t sure if Steve…felt anything beyond that. Because Tony felt something beyond love. He felt a longing for him, felt passion for him, felt that deep, gnawing want that had been unnamed at one point in time but now called itself _devotion_. It was laughable, really, how besotted Tony was with his boyfriend.

“I…don’t know.”

“You’ve never talked about it?”

“No,” Tony shrugs, playing with a loose thread in his blanket. They’d never really talked about it.

Tony wants to talk about it. After the excitement has died down and he and Steve are moved into their new apartment in West End, he wants to sit down and discuss their…future, if there is one. The only thing is, and Tony has no problem admitting this, he’s scared of what Steve will say. On one hand, he and his boyfriend could be on the same page. Tony could propose. They’d be engaged, fresh out of college and ready to take on the world and get married. But then that begs the question: are they ready? Will it work? Stark men aren’t notorious for their ability to commit to anything; they’re fickle, they get bored, they like to drink. Tony doesn’t want to think that he’s Howard in the making but perhaps life just has to catch up to him, and Tony doesn’t want Steve to end up trapped and silently seething like his mother.

On another hand, Steve could be terribly put off by this. He’s seen good marriages and he’s familiar with touches that don’t lead to fucking, but maybe he doesn’t want that with Tony. They’ve spent years being _there_ for each other but it might not be enough. Tony is aware of his own character flaws in the form of hedonistic recklessness, a tendency towards selfishness, a snapping way of speaking. Steve might not trust that Tony can buckle down. He’s seen Tony through some difficult times, sure; but Tony couldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to be seeing Tony through things for the rest of his life. That would be perfectly understandable.

And Tony doesn’t know that he could do it. What if he proposed and Steve _was_ ready and Steve _did_ say yes and they planned a beautiful wedding, a ceremony at the estate in the Hamptons and they got in front of each other and Tony just…couldn’t say the words. “I do,” Tony dreams. He fantasizes about it, but the notion is far off and clouded by an endless fog of possibility. The chances of this going poorly are too high. He’s run the numbers, and numbers don’t lie.

“Okay, what the hell is up with you?” Steve demands one evening. He’s standing shirtless in the kitchen and washing dishes. His feet are protected by a pair of pink slippers that Natasha had jokingly bought him from Forever 21. Tony—sitting at the kitchen table, typing away furiously and trying not to break into hives at how domestic they’ve become—is caught by how perfect he is. Even slightly annoyed, Steve is a sight to behold.

“Uh, what?” Tony asks eloquently, looking up at his boyfriend. Steve fixes him with a look over his shoulder.

“You’re being so sketchy, you know that?”

Tony pauses, “Sketchy?”

“Yes. Sketchy. You. What’s up?” he asks more seriously this time, turning to face Tony and everything. His brows are furrowed.

Tony knows that he has, objectively, been acting very strange. In the past few weeks he’s spent an inordinate amount of time staring pathetically at Steve as he goes about normal every day tasks, zoning out in the middle of conversations to fantasize about their hypothetical honeymoon, and internally weeping at the other man’s beauty. It’s becoming a problem. He used to be guilty of spending too much time at the lab at MIT but now all he wants to do is be near Steve, so he’s blown off work more in the last month than he had in the last year. It’s probably extremely noticeable. He’s being very needy. At one point it could’ve been chalked up to excitement over cohabitation, but the situation has now reached a point where he’s offered to buy Steve a car 6 times and have his private chef fly to Sarah Rogers’s house to make her soup when she catches a cold. Steve probably thinks he’s about to have some kind of insecurity induced breakdown. Tony will admit that he’s not far off the mark.

“Nothing’s _up_.”

“You’re being—this is gonna sound shitty,” Steve snorts, “but you’re being really clingy.”

“I’m being clingy?”

“Yes! Is this about the award? You know I would come baby, but I can’t just leave the country for two weeks, I have-,”

“It’s not about the award. I _would_ prefer to have you in Amsterdam with me, but I—please, I totally get why you can’t come.”

“So what is it? Did you…yknow, have you slipped up or something? I won’t be mad if you have, Tony. Really.”

Tony blinks. Perhaps he’s been weirder than he thought, if Steve is guessing that he’s _relapsed_, of all things. “It’s not that either, I promise,” he assures Steve, standing to meet him over at the sink. They stand facing each other, hips knocking against the counter. Steve reaches a hand out and rests it on the back of Tony’s neck, warm and heavy and so perfect.

“Are you going to answer or do you wanna play twenty questions, hm? I’ve got time, I guess.”

“You’re a precious brat,” Tony laughs, Steve grins sheepishly, “I just like you. Can’t I hang around my favorite person?”

“I thought Rhodey was your favorite person. Why aren’t you hanging off his limbs like a leech?”

“Okay, you’re my second favorite person. He’s had his time, now it’s yours. I get you all to myself now, I like it. Is that a crime?” Tony considers the possibility that Steve is annoyed with his constant hanging on, and that sends a small swoop of fear through him. For them it’s rare that Tony goes to sleep next to Steve _and_ wakes up there too, it’s rare that he drapes himself all over the other man when they sit and watch movies, he doesn’t even steal off of Steve’s plate. He’s never been a particularly dependent person, if only because he didn’t grow up accustomed to physical affection and the things that make a person that way. Steve’s gotten used to that too, has probably grown to expect the occasional brush of their hands or hugs and is now slightly uncomfortable with Tony rubbing all over him like a cat. Tony winces internally. That would suck.

“Definitely not a crime,” Steve shrugs, “I was just wondering. Your little face is always pouting too.”

“I do not pout,” Tony pouts.

“Now who’s being a brat?”

“Certainly not me.”

“I dunno Tony. I feel like you’ve got a secret,” Steve says quietly, but the conversation is dropped when he presses a sweet kiss to Tony’s forehead

Tony considers this a close call and goes about monitoring his behavior from then on out. He does go to the lab and work with Bruce, like he should be doing. Everyone there is a little shocked to see him, which means he’s definitely been shirking his responsibilities, but Tony just claims to have been busy moving. Bruce does not buy it. Tony stops offering to buy Steve a car and instead buys him a CharlieCard like a reasonable person. Steve gets a big boy job. Sarah visits the apartment. Tony goes to Amsterdam to accept an award from a bunch of stiff theoretical physics and he brings Bruce. At one point they even help Pepper move and Tony drives a big ass U-Haul all the way to D.C. They celebrate their four year anniversary in September and Bucky gets so drunk that he throws up on Sam’s boots. Things are great. Steve suspects nothing. Everything is perfectly normal.

That is, until Tony starts to suspect something.

Steve is certainly more subtle than Tony. He doesn’t start taking off work and inviting himself out with Tony and his friends. But he does start cleaning like a madman and disappearing on random errands on his days off, when he generally spends those days pressed up as close as he can to Tony and napping like a cat in a sunbeam. Tony thinks it’s weird. Steve isn’t a good liar or secret keeper and any time Tony asks him if everything is alright Steve just blushes and stammers and acts like a precious little dummy. It would be cute if it weren’t anxiety inducing. Tony can’t bring it up though because he’s not like Steve and if something is wrong he selfishly does not want to know.

*

They plan a real vacation for Christmas. Steve takes an extra week off work and they leave Bucky a key to the apartment to water their plants. It’s very exciting. They usually spend Christmas in New York and between the Starks, Rogers, and Barneses there is usually a lot of drama and traumatic stress (for Tony), but this year is going to be different. They’re going to Whistler, where Tony’s mother has a cabin. There won’t be any work demands; no e-mails to answer, no phone calls, nothing that would bring any kind of stress or anxiety. Steve is very adamant about this.

“You’re only to answer R&D calls or emails if you’ve been contacted enough times for it to seem like an emergency. I told Pepper and she says that she’s passed on the word to the developers too. If they know what’s good for them your phone won’t ring at all,” Steve says as they triple check that they have everything. Unlike Tony, Steve packs his things neatly and doesn’t rely on “I’ll just buy it later”. Tony thinks it’ll probably be nice to have everything he needs readily available for once.

Another first: Steve lets himself be spoiled. They fly privately, enjoy steak and eggs on the plane, and are driven in a big, black Suburban to the cabin. Not once does Steve complain about prices or mutter about how ostentatious the whole endeavor is, and when they pull up to the cabin (which is not really a cabin), he just grins at Tony. His face practically cracks in half with it; his blue eyes bright and pale cheeks flushed with the cold. He’s wearing a turtleneck under one of his stupid plaid shirts, but he’s so damn cute it makes Tony dizzy.

The two of them spend a few hours getting acquainted with the house. Tony gives the nickel tour, surprised that he even remembers the layout considering his family hasn’t been skiing in nearly a decade, and Steve pretends to be unimpressed as usual. They shower and fall asleep on the couch in the middle of _Merry Christmas Drake and Josh._

In the morning, Tony rolls over to find himself alone in bed. It’s not surprising. Most of the time, if he actually makes it to sleep at the same time as Steve, his boyfriend will rise earlier than him to get his run in. He isn’t sure if Steve is running this morning, but he’s always been an early riser. What is surprising, however, is the little sticky note attached to a pillow.

_stay put_

Tony laughs to himself. He hopes Steve isn’t planning on bringing him breakfast in bed since the chef is going to be round at 9 and that would just be awkward. He follows the instructions though and just stays put, basking in the warm beams of light creeping into the room. He takes time to stretch and pop his joints before deciding that brushing his teeth and making use of the facilities probably counts as staying put. He doesn’t leave the room and go curiously exploring the living room or kitchen. The master bedroom is lofted over the main floor, facing a wall of floor to ceiling windows that boast a truly spectacular view of the mountains; Tony doesn’t even peak over the bannister to see what could be going on downstairs, though the anticipation is killing him. Instead, he lies in bed and thinks about Steve all bundled up and eager to hit the slopes. Steve is blonde and buff and gorgeous, so of course Tony (and most people with eyes) enjoys seeing him shirtless on the beach, but Steve is a winter lover. Perhaps it’s a product of growing up in very snowy New York. No matter the cause, Steve loves snow and can fall into the winter spirit very easily. Tony knows he’s excited to get outside in his snow pants and do all sorts of fun outdoorsy stuff. That’s almost enough to make it fun for Tony, who definitely prefer the Mediterranean climate of his homeland.

Just as Tony has run out of sweet things to daydream about—having exhausted his mind with imaginary scenarios including languid make out sessions and slow dancing in the kitchen—he hears Steve’s footsteps on the stairs. He sits up and puts on his glasses, pulls the blankets up around his waist and waits until he can see Steve’s blonde head.

“Good morning,” he calls cheerfully. Steve is dressed in plaid pajamas and thick, fluffy socks instead of the running gear Tony expected. He’s got a mug of coffee in one hand and he sets it carefully on the bedside table before placing a kiss on Tony’s forehead. Slowly, he clamors into bed and pulls the comforter over his body, tucking himself up next to his boyfriend. He drapes one arm around Tony’s waist, like another, heavier blanket, and wraps his hand around Tony’s wrist.

“Mornin’ sweetness,” Steve greets him beatifically. Tony doesn’t blush but it’s a close call. Instead, to disguise how Steve makes his heart race, he grabs his coffee and takes a long gulp.

“What did you get yourself into this morning?”

Steve gives a small shrug, “Not much.”

“So why the note?”

“I wanted you in bed when I came back.”

“Back from where?” Tony asks innocently. Steve looks up from where he’s pressed his face in Tony’s side. _He’s_ blushing, blue eyes blinking up at Tony in that way that makes something stir in his gut. He looks nervous and excited. He looks like he’s so terribly, sickeningly happy to be right where he is and that makes Tony smile. Tony feels like he could about bubble over with joy.

“I got you a surprise,” Steve admits. Tony damn near applauds.

“What is it?” and just as he asks, Steve pushes something into Tony’s hand. He doesn’t move to sit up straight, he doesn’t stop with the blinking, he doesn’t do anything but wait. Tony separates their hands, his heart beginning to throb as he recognizes the shape. He’s sweating immediately his mind racing as he starts to panic.

It’s a ring.

Steve has pressed a ring into hand, palmed between them like some kind of secret deal. Tony looks down at him, incredulous. He’s frozen right where he is, shock running through his veins just as quickly as his blood. He stares at the ring; it’s a simple gold [band](https://www.joyeverley.co.uk/collections/engagement-weddings/products/yellow-gold-rough-ring), not nearly as thick as the one Tony packed, and purposefully rough as if it hadn’t been properly shaped. It’s beautiful and strange, and Tony can immediately picture himself wearing it. He wants to cry. He wants to scream. He wants to dance. But he can’t move because he’s just so damn surprised.

“I had to get it fitted this morning,” Steve tells him, breaking the silence. It’s so quiet in the room still, however, that Tony’s heavy breathing becomes the loudest noise around. They stare at each other, so much hanging in the unmoving air between them.

Tony swallows down the tears threatening to escape him, “Yes,” he says certainly. Because even if he is scared, he’s sure that he wants to give Steve his hand. They don’t look away from each other as Tony slips the ring onto the appropriate finger. Steve inhales sharply.

“I was going to do that for you,” Steve laughs.

“Sorry.”

“So you will then?” Steve sits up, wraps himself around Tony properly, “Marry me?”

“I will. I want to.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. Look,” and Tony squirms until Steve frees him and he can rummage through his suitcase. The little black box is carefully hidden so that Steve’s little folding fingers never would have found it while he double and triple checked that Tony had everything. The velvet is soft and purposeful beneath Tony’s fingers. He turns shyly, facing Steve and presenting him with this box that has held Tony’s entire heart prisoner for years. He opens the box and sees the ring, one he usually didn’t allow himself to look at because it just got him too worked up. Thinking about the way it would look on Steve’s hand filled him with so much love Tony suspected he could float away like a helium balloon or sink to the bottom of the ocean like a sunken ship. It was nearly embarrassing except here Steve was, blushing and grinning and looking the way Tony felt.

“Were you gonna…?” Steve asks dreamily.

Tony smiles, “One day. I don’t know when. I’ve had it since…your sophomore year.” He climbs back into bed and presents Steve with the ring. His brain is swimming, like he can’t think about anything at all. Tony feels like a harlequin romance protagonist, swept away by love and the throes of passion.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“We’re so corny.”

*

Tony’s pictured it for so long, but the actual event is nothing he could’ve cooked up. Despite years with Tony, and therefore years getting used to being in the public eye (Howard Stark’s prodigal son gets his fair share of press), Steve is an incredibly private person. He compiles a guest list with less than 50 people on it, much to Pepper’s chagrin. He wants this day to be about them and the people they love, and Tony likes that idea. He wishes, vaguely, that his mother could see this, could see just how happy he could be. Because as he looks around at the way Pepper has transformed the first floor of the mansion and the garden around back, as he considers the truly idiotic hijinks his fiancé and his best man are probably up to, Tony is happier than he dared to ever dream.

“You’re not high are you?” Rhodey asks helpfully. The room they’re in used to be the help’s quarters. Now it’s Tony’s wedding dressing room.

“No?”

“You just look out of it. In a way that’s eerily similar to-,”

“I’m just happy,” he shrugs, beaming. He adjusts his bow tie, looks at himself in the mirror proudly. It’s true.

Pepper’s plans consist of lots of blues and yellows and she made it very clear that no one was to wear white. No one stands with them, as it would be odd to have groomsmen at such a small affair. Happy runs security and is allowed to be as ridiculous and strict as his heart desires because he knows how Steve feels about their photos being taken without permission. Tony wouldn’t care if Perez Hilton had decided to break in and install cameras in the bedroom, so long as he got to have Steve the way he’s wanted him for so long. He’s nervous and scared but he’s ready, he wants this.

The ceremony goes off without a hitch, much to everyone’s surprise. The two of them walk down the aisle together, smiling at the guests in their pretty white seats as they do so. Sarah Rogers sits in the front row wearing a gifted designer dress that flows in the light breeze, tears in her eyes and beaming. She clasps her hands together and watches on proudly, occasionally dabbing at her face with tissues. She’s as blotchy and red as her son, who will stand with squared shoulders and allow tears to fall as he declares his vows. Surrounding her are the people who have so graciously allowed Tony into their lives; Bucky and his family, Sam and Natasha, Rhodey and Pepper. Bucky is holding both his mom’s hand and Sarah’s, his sisters look a little weepy. Behind them are some family friends, a few people that Tony’s parents used to associate with pretty heavily and even Steve’s college crew coach.

Tony can’t even feel his hands when Steve takes them in his own. He can barely hear what his husband to be is saying because the rush of his own blood is pounding in his ears like a bass line. This is the moment Tony has imagined so many times, the few glorious seconds he has to tell Steve exactly what he means to Tony, what their relationship has done for his life. He has two very important words to say as well—words that he’s spent years agonizing over. Tony has dreamt it a million times with various different outcomes, like he had run the simulation as many times as possible.

In some versions he manages to splutter “I do” and the look on Steve’s face would make an angel weep. His blue eyes would look like the sky on one of those perfect 73 degree weather days where families flew kites and went speed boating on the local lake. His eyes would pinch and crinkle in that soft, fond way they do whenever he looks at Tony for too long. His hands, big and broad and masculine like the rest of him, would shake in Tony’s grasp. It would be perfect, in these versions, because all of the sweet burning he Tony felt for Steve was reflected in dream Steve’s eyes and suddenly the scariest thing about that day wouldn’t be his inability to say the words but instead the possibility that Sarah would ruin her makeup crying happy tears for her son, or Jarvis would laugh when he and Steve kissed.

In other versions he just stands there, tongue cut out of his mouth and drooling blood all over the nice three piece suit dream Pepper picked. Or maybe he attempts to say the words and Steve laughs, his face twisting into an unfamiliar cruel mask that makes Tony’s stomach sour. Sometimes (the worst times) Tony wants to say the words and then his brain starts making louder noises than his mouth and he just _can’t_ and Steve’s face would crumble in on itself like a building or a broken glass. His eyes would fill with fat, sad tears, his mouth would turn down at both corners and that little line between his brows would be so deep and unfortunate.

Tony can’t stop thinking about all the different versions of his terrible dream. He’s standing there and staring into the eyes he’s loved for years, his breathing in the comfortable, intoxicating scent of Steve’s cologne, and he’s hoping and hoping that the odds are in his favor on this one. There’s certainly a reason why they’ve made it this far, and Tony’s counting on that reason prevailing.

“You gave me a home, Tony,” Steve tells him seriously. When Steve is being solemn and making promises he puts on his Serious Voice. It’s the voice that makes parents, colleagues, and superiors alike trust him. It’s the voice that tells Tony when he’s being and idiot and that Steve loves him. “And I can’t thank you enough for that.”

Tony blinks, surprised to find that the reason for his suddenly very blurry vision is not a stroke or fainting spell but _tears_. He’s crying. He sniffles for good measure, in case anyone in their small audience couldn’t tell how pathetically in love he is.

“Steve,” he croaks. Steve’s eyes go so soft and tender that it only makes Tony cry some more and he has to clear hiss throat before he can go on. He feels bad that he missed so much of Steve’s vows freaking out, and he doesn’t want Steve to feel panic anywhere close to the levels of anxiety that just shocked his system, so Tony pulls himself together. Even if Steve doesn’t hear him or thinks his vows are stupid, Tony can still say he said them and that’s what matters. He tells Steve (and everyone else) about when they first met and how badly he wanted Steve to like him, to just think he was a good person worth talking to because being friends with Steve was a blessing. Tony tells him that he doesn’t believe in God but he believes in science and Steve; he believes in Steve’s ability to care for him and nurture him and just do the right thing. He tells everyone that he knows he wouldn’t be who he is if not for the man standing in front of him. Tony looks over at Sarah and she’s stopped crying but she’s smiling the way her son does, and Tony cries even more, tears sliding down his hot cheeks as he stammers through this whole idiotic speech.

“I’ve never needed saving. I’ve never needed anyone to promise me they’d be there in my darkest hour, or tell me they’d do anything to protect me. I’ve done those things for myself too many times over to need that, or to trust anyone else to do it. But Steve, honey, I trust you. You’re like…my hero,” he laughs, feeling half crazed with the emotions that are flowing through him, “You’re the man I trust to help me save myself.”

*

The words “I do” fall from Tony’s lips so easily he almost doesn’t remember why he’d been so worried in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed the fluff! follow me @starkbrncs on twitter!


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